When God doesn’t do what we want, it’s not easy. Never has been. Never will be. But faith is the conviction that God knows more than we do about this life and he will get us through it. -Max Lucado
This weekend, my husband and I found out we were going to be having a baby girl; and although most of my family and friends are super excited, I am not so much. Don't get me wrong! I like the idea of having a girl. But, I am no more opposed to having a boy, and if it had been, I don't think I would be anymore excited-which frankly is disappointing.
I am really trying to figure some stuff out, part of which is this new baby. Since finding out I was pregnant, I have not been super excited. Part of that is likely because of our living conditions. However, if you ask me on a regular basis, I don't really mind it so much. But, when looking at our goals and looking at our finances, I am beginning to think that we will never reach a point where we are ready to move on. I keep thinking that this life was supposed to be temporary, not forever. We were thinking a few (maybe 6) months tops. But, it seems like one thing or another keeps popping up to keep us from moving on.
So, now, I wander, What? What is it we are supposed to do about this baby that we didn't expect and expenses that keep popping up? What about the fear of an outrageous electric bill that we can't pay? What about not being able to support and take care of the kids? My heavens. We have a plan, but if we stick to that it will be 2 years before we step out of this "house" and into a "home."
On the other hand, I was thinking to myself yesterday: Living on the Hill, where we do, we have a great home and it feels like "home." My marriage has truly grown in some amazing ways. Sometimes, I wander how we would manage to stay "together" with more room between us. This weekend at my grandmother's, my son kind of wandered everytime I walked out of a room, and I caught myself wandering where he had ran more than once. The benefit of living in a small space is that for the most part, we always know where each other are. It doesn't matter if I'm in the bedroom, kitchen, living room or bath...Everybody can always see or hear me. Sounds scary, but has actually grown to be very comforting. For our son, we can let him run all over the house and never worry about him being out of eyesight...that is security.
And, really, our finances are better than they ever have been, we just have to get to the point where we are ready to start tackling the ugly stuff. We have been putting that off for the last month or two. But, after almost a year or scrimping and falling behind, being ahead is really comforting. Unfortunately, that comforting feeling is hard to let go of. By that I mean, when we start committing extra money to debt, that means little will be left over for "x-tras." And even what is "left-over" will be budgeted for and accounted for by the time the month is half over.
So, now what? Do we throw away our plan to pay of debt and get a good solid financial ground beneath us, or do we just take a risk and jump into a house that we maybe can afford just so our daughter can come home from the hospital to a nursery, not just a basinet in our living/bedroom? I guess we will just wait and see what the Lord has planned for us, huh? That means we'll have to ask him and WAIT for the answer...I guess that's what now is about, then.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
"We are what we believe we are." — C. S. Lewis
I am a big fan of C.S. Lewis, especially after getting a hold of "The Screwtape Letters." The man was a literary genius. Not to mention the fact that he had to have a fantastic grasp on the concept of Spiritual Warfare. Afterall, the basis of the text is that of a demon who is trying to thwart one man's search, grasp and life as a Believer in Christ. Even in the guise of relationships, there is a hint of understanding and wisdom that is remarkable. So, when I saw this quote on our home page at work, I immediately took note.
Unfortunately, I think I might have to disagree with Mr. Lewis. First of all, after working in the mental health field for almost 5 years now, I must say, I have seen more than a few folks who believed themselves to be a lot of things they weren't. The false belief of grandiosity or depravity led to all sorts of negative things, including unemployment and poverty. Even so, the quote led me back to the thought of Spiritual warfare.
About a week ago, I started a blog that never got finished. In that blog, I was gonna go into the concept that we each have armor to protect ourselves from the "Evil one" (as Paul puts it). Just days before, I had realized that even though the Lord has specifically designed our armor, Satan has a specific set of weapons, each one designed to target our weakest spots. So, even though we may be wearing our armor, it is possible that Satan could still catch us off guard or hit a weak point and bring us to our knees. Thank goodness for us, the Lord often calls us to our knees for prayers and it is generally in looking up from those "down" places that we first see our Savior.
So, what's my point? Well, last week, I got sick again with morning sickness after having felt really good for like a week. Then, the baby got sick and I had to miss a couple of days of work (and a lot of sleep). That put me behind at work, and really brought my mood down. In that place, I felt the strike. It was not quick, but it was hard: the feelings of depression, worthliness and anxiety. My intention in writing the original blog was to share my frustration with myself and the whole process. However, while writing, I got the call that my son needed to be picked up from daycare and...things seemed to be getting worse.
But then, the Lord started speaking, even as I was writing my "complaints." And He continued to speak to my heart throughout the week. On Friday, when I was 1/2 late for a very important meeting, the Lord put grace in the hearts of my colleagues and when I started coughing fits, he put patience and good stuff in me to remain positive. Instead of bowing down to the attack and giving in, the Lord has held me up. And I don't even deserve it because I really haven't been doing anything to help in the fight.
When it comes down to it, C.S. Lewis is somewhat right. I am what I believe I am, a child of God, Forgiven, Carried by Grace and Mercy, held up by the hand of the Lord. But, my belief did not cause me to become those things. They were always being offered. When I believe it, though, I am much more likely to live like it.
I am a big fan of C.S. Lewis, especially after getting a hold of "The Screwtape Letters." The man was a literary genius. Not to mention the fact that he had to have a fantastic grasp on the concept of Spiritual Warfare. Afterall, the basis of the text is that of a demon who is trying to thwart one man's search, grasp and life as a Believer in Christ. Even in the guise of relationships, there is a hint of understanding and wisdom that is remarkable. So, when I saw this quote on our home page at work, I immediately took note.
Unfortunately, I think I might have to disagree with Mr. Lewis. First of all, after working in the mental health field for almost 5 years now, I must say, I have seen more than a few folks who believed themselves to be a lot of things they weren't. The false belief of grandiosity or depravity led to all sorts of negative things, including unemployment and poverty. Even so, the quote led me back to the thought of Spiritual warfare.
About a week ago, I started a blog that never got finished. In that blog, I was gonna go into the concept that we each have armor to protect ourselves from the "Evil one" (as Paul puts it). Just days before, I had realized that even though the Lord has specifically designed our armor, Satan has a specific set of weapons, each one designed to target our weakest spots. So, even though we may be wearing our armor, it is possible that Satan could still catch us off guard or hit a weak point and bring us to our knees. Thank goodness for us, the Lord often calls us to our knees for prayers and it is generally in looking up from those "down" places that we first see our Savior.
So, what's my point? Well, last week, I got sick again with morning sickness after having felt really good for like a week. Then, the baby got sick and I had to miss a couple of days of work (and a lot of sleep). That put me behind at work, and really brought my mood down. In that place, I felt the strike. It was not quick, but it was hard: the feelings of depression, worthliness and anxiety. My intention in writing the original blog was to share my frustration with myself and the whole process. However, while writing, I got the call that my son needed to be picked up from daycare and...things seemed to be getting worse.
But then, the Lord started speaking, even as I was writing my "complaints." And He continued to speak to my heart throughout the week. On Friday, when I was 1/2 late for a very important meeting, the Lord put grace in the hearts of my colleagues and when I started coughing fits, he put patience and good stuff in me to remain positive. Instead of bowing down to the attack and giving in, the Lord has held me up. And I don't even deserve it because I really haven't been doing anything to help in the fight.
When it comes down to it, C.S. Lewis is somewhat right. I am what I believe I am, a child of God, Forgiven, Carried by Grace and Mercy, held up by the hand of the Lord. But, my belief did not cause me to become those things. They were always being offered. When I believe it, though, I am much more likely to live like it.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Everyone is asking...
I am going to try not to get defensive here, but after some of the comments I have heard, or "suggestions" I have gotten in the last few weeks, it will be hard. So, here's the story, you spin it how you want.
Actually, the last month has been one thing or another. My mother-in-law says that is just life. First, Alex got a cold and wasn't feeling well. He missed almost a week of school. After being up with him for all that time, almost every night, I began to feel bad too. I lost my appetite and wasn't feeling real good. On the other hand, I couldn't say I had a cold either. Just when we thought he was getting better and would be returning to daycare, his fever went back up so we gave up and headed to the doc.
Ear infection and pink eye. The pink eye we knew 'cause its kind of hard not to hide. The ear infection I had guessed as well, but what is a mom to do. So another day or two out of daycare. Thank goodness Robert, my husband was not working and home during the day. Well, almost exactly one week later and only three days of him being back in school, little Mr. Alex was sent home with diarhea. Another week out of school. By this time, I am tired and feeling run down, but more importantly, I am beginning to feel nauseous and realize something is missing.
So, back to the doctor with Alex and off to the drug store for me. A special diet for Alex and a change in plans for me:). Alex is better. He has been back in school now for a little over a week and is doing ok. He was sent home Friday with a fever, but me thinks its 'cause he has two molars coming in this month. I am hoping we are done with his being sick. He has seriously only been in daycare about three full weeks of the last two months or so.
I, on the other hand, am still adjusting to my diagnosis. For anyone who has not guessed or got it yet, I am expecting another baby (9.5 weeks today)! And we can honestly say, we are excited! Stll to be honest, since we found out about two weeks before Robert was offered a job, it was a little scary at first. Now, though, I am just trying to keep down whatever food I can and take care of my little man. Thank goodness, I have a husband that is more than willing to take up the slack.
Now, for those of you wondering, yes we still live in a camper and no, we really don't have any immediate plans to change that. In fact, we are actually making plans to stay where we are for at least a few months after the baby gets here. And, no, we are not nuts as some have suggestied after hearing our news. I will not be leaving my husband, we will not be moving in with family and no to a gazillion other things as well. I have heard people's comments and suggestions on what would be best, but frankly, my husband and I made a choice to live like we do for a reason. We like it and it saves us money. And a new baby could change that, but for now, it won't for us.
Since Robert started working Monday, March 16th, full-time, our financial prospects have improved dramatically. But, having lived frugally, and rather contentedly, we now have new financial goals. So, for the next 7 to 10 months, we will continue to live frugally, spending money on the things we deem appropriate, but also paying off a LOT of debt. By the time this little one comes along, his or her folks will have the best financial footing we've ever had (Lord willing) and that will be true no matter how the economy goes. We now have the extra income so that if we need new tires or major car repairs, we can actually afford it without being placed in a bind. We have a savings account for the first time in over three years. We will have the option to pay off our vehicle, credit cards or even student loans. There aren't many people that can say that in today's economy. Praise the Lord. Our eggs may all be in the same basket, but its a pretty secure one at this point.
If we can continue to live this lifestyle, we will be in a great position to take advantage of some of the "negatives" coming from our economic instability (i.e. cheaper stock and home prices, lower interest rates, etc). People may think we are crazy or at least not making good decisions. But our son has an area that he can call his own room (so he'll have to share, big deal) and we have our own bed. We have a kitchen, bath and living area that seats us all, cooks anything we could want and cleans most of what we need (more on that later). In fact, our biggest problem has been finding enough room for the can goods and clothes. Otherwise, everything else if fitting just fine. When our new baby comes along, he/she may not have a nursery to come home to, but he/she will have a new bed and a family that loves him/her.
This is not the worst life anyone could imagine. I think it is all dependent on your circumstances and what you choose to call important. Think the Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie (our favorite tv show). For some, I guess, living in a camper with minimal space would seem like punishment. But, maybe because we made the choice from a place of prayer, it seems more like a blessing to us. I keep hearing about folks loosing their houses and cars and stuff, that to me is sad and unbearable. We stayed warm and dry all winter. Robert and I have learned a whole new level of communication and our relationship has improved.
We also have a whole new level of security now that Robert has a job as well. Even without that, though, we have learned how to rely on the Lord to be content in the smallest of spaces. We have learned to see ALL the possessions we have as blessings, and know only a few things are necessities. Furthermore, we are more willing to give and less willing to recieve (can't, no room:). This may not be the easiest life, but no life is. Every way of living has problems, inconveniences and issues. This is just the one we choose for us and our babies. Its generally peaceful even if we almost always have something going on. For me, for us, this IS the good life!
Actually, the last month has been one thing or another. My mother-in-law says that is just life. First, Alex got a cold and wasn't feeling well. He missed almost a week of school. After being up with him for all that time, almost every night, I began to feel bad too. I lost my appetite and wasn't feeling real good. On the other hand, I couldn't say I had a cold either. Just when we thought he was getting better and would be returning to daycare, his fever went back up so we gave up and headed to the doc.
Ear infection and pink eye. The pink eye we knew 'cause its kind of hard not to hide. The ear infection I had guessed as well, but what is a mom to do. So another day or two out of daycare. Thank goodness Robert, my husband was not working and home during the day. Well, almost exactly one week later and only three days of him being back in school, little Mr. Alex was sent home with diarhea. Another week out of school. By this time, I am tired and feeling run down, but more importantly, I am beginning to feel nauseous and realize something is missing.
So, back to the doctor with Alex and off to the drug store for me. A special diet for Alex and a change in plans for me:). Alex is better. He has been back in school now for a little over a week and is doing ok. He was sent home Friday with a fever, but me thinks its 'cause he has two molars coming in this month. I am hoping we are done with his being sick. He has seriously only been in daycare about three full weeks of the last two months or so.
I, on the other hand, am still adjusting to my diagnosis. For anyone who has not guessed or got it yet, I am expecting another baby (9.5 weeks today)! And we can honestly say, we are excited! Stll to be honest, since we found out about two weeks before Robert was offered a job, it was a little scary at first. Now, though, I am just trying to keep down whatever food I can and take care of my little man. Thank goodness, I have a husband that is more than willing to take up the slack.
Now, for those of you wondering, yes we still live in a camper and no, we really don't have any immediate plans to change that. In fact, we are actually making plans to stay where we are for at least a few months after the baby gets here. And, no, we are not nuts as some have suggestied after hearing our news. I will not be leaving my husband, we will not be moving in with family and no to a gazillion other things as well. I have heard people's comments and suggestions on what would be best, but frankly, my husband and I made a choice to live like we do for a reason. We like it and it saves us money. And a new baby could change that, but for now, it won't for us.
Since Robert started working Monday, March 16th, full-time, our financial prospects have improved dramatically. But, having lived frugally, and rather contentedly, we now have new financial goals. So, for the next 7 to 10 months, we will continue to live frugally, spending money on the things we deem appropriate, but also paying off a LOT of debt. By the time this little one comes along, his or her folks will have the best financial footing we've ever had (Lord willing) and that will be true no matter how the economy goes. We now have the extra income so that if we need new tires or major car repairs, we can actually afford it without being placed in a bind. We have a savings account for the first time in over three years. We will have the option to pay off our vehicle, credit cards or even student loans. There aren't many people that can say that in today's economy. Praise the Lord. Our eggs may all be in the same basket, but its a pretty secure one at this point.
If we can continue to live this lifestyle, we will be in a great position to take advantage of some of the "negatives" coming from our economic instability (i.e. cheaper stock and home prices, lower interest rates, etc). People may think we are crazy or at least not making good decisions. But our son has an area that he can call his own room (so he'll have to share, big deal) and we have our own bed. We have a kitchen, bath and living area that seats us all, cooks anything we could want and cleans most of what we need (more on that later). In fact, our biggest problem has been finding enough room for the can goods and clothes. Otherwise, everything else if fitting just fine. When our new baby comes along, he/she may not have a nursery to come home to, but he/she will have a new bed and a family that loves him/her.
This is not the worst life anyone could imagine. I think it is all dependent on your circumstances and what you choose to call important. Think the Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie (our favorite tv show). For some, I guess, living in a camper with minimal space would seem like punishment. But, maybe because we made the choice from a place of prayer, it seems more like a blessing to us. I keep hearing about folks loosing their houses and cars and stuff, that to me is sad and unbearable. We stayed warm and dry all winter. Robert and I have learned a whole new level of communication and our relationship has improved.
We also have a whole new level of security now that Robert has a job as well. Even without that, though, we have learned how to rely on the Lord to be content in the smallest of spaces. We have learned to see ALL the possessions we have as blessings, and know only a few things are necessities. Furthermore, we are more willing to give and less willing to recieve (can't, no room:). This may not be the easiest life, but no life is. Every way of living has problems, inconveniences and issues. This is just the one we choose for us and our babies. Its generally peaceful even if we almost always have something going on. For me, for us, this IS the good life!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Designing on a Dime:)
Okay, so I borrowed a phrase, but seriously, when living in a travel trailer, one must be practical. For one, there is little excess space and who has a budget for renovations these days? We bought our 1992 travel trailer for 3000 last November, a steal considering the popularity of the model. I don't have any pics, but if you go to http://www.trailmanor.com/WebDocs/Showroom/BuildRV/SelectModel.html and look at the 3023 model, you will see our trailer, for the most part. You gotta know though, with the older model does come some differences.
Some good: for instance, instead of two couches, ours has two chairs that are removable and a couch that makes a bed. It sleeps 4 comfortably (1 Q, 1F bed), but you could easily get two more kids in on the couch. We have a "garden tub," which just means it has an actual tub (not just a shower) with a built in seat and a four burner stove, which they don't make anymore.
Some not so good: When we bought the trailer last year, all the cabinet knobs and fixtures were brass (think 80's). She had pink dirty carpet and a funny blue print (again, think late 80's country blue and mauve) couch with a different, but coordinating fabric on the chairs. Some things had to be changed!
Some folks may ask, why would you want to put so much into a travel trailer, and I could understand the point, but this is our home. It's where we live and its the first "home" I have ever owned (small steps). It is my passion and my heritage (ref: my mother). So, my beloved husband promised I could do what ever I wanted to make it look the way I wanted. Umm, probably regretting that decision now.
One of the first things we did was replace all the cabinet knobs (18 in all), going from brass to "venetian bronze." Not a big deal. I went for the most modern look I could, but stayed simple. All in all, I believe I spent about 30 dollars. My husband was okay with that.
The next project was much bigger and cost a little more. Since we have a son who has been known to have allergies to carpet and dander, I decided what was in there would not be staying for long. Robert suggested I wait a little while until we get settled, but when he pulled up a corner b/c he thought the water heater was leaking our first weekend in it, I used it as inspiration. Up went the rest of the carpet, carpet tack strips, etc. I replaced it with wood plank linoleum in "hickory." Since I was alone that first week (Robert was still working in Lufkin and kept Alex), I got to do it myself. I didn't exactly tell him what I had done, either, until it was done. Thank goodness he liked to results!
At first I thought it would be a large project, but overall, not that difficult. When the Home Depot salesman asked what room I had that was only 60 sq ft and needed new floors, I guess it was then that I realized, this was not that big a deal. It literally took me less than 24 hours of work and about $120 to do the whole trailer (and we have leftover materials). The results were worth it (I must get you pictures, I know). Hopefully, that is the most we spend on any one item, after all one day we will likely sale this thing:).
My next project was the 80's blue couch since that is basically the second thing you see as you walk in the door. First I recovered the end caps/arms and foot board/front in a leather-look vinyl ($3/yd). Once again, with a small child and a dog...My husband insisted on some soft, expensive looking fabric for the cushions, but we live in a trailer for a reason. There isn't much of a budget for incidentals. But, I finally found the solution: This weekend, on clearance at Wal-Mart, I found a futon cover in a tan microfiber suede for 30 bucks! Jackpot! Its relatively easy to clean, looks and feels great, and fits perfectly over the couch cushions. Honestly, it totally looks great.
I must have been especially blessed, because I also found my dream rug: a shag runner (21"x72") to go down the "hall" in a dark red for $21. Since our "hall" is only 23," that is a heck of a find and at less than 25 dollars it's a steal!
I also have found a bronze finished toothbrush holder to replace the old rusted brass soap holder in the bathroom. Got it as King Dollar for 1.09 and its Delta!!
Finally our trailer is beginning to feel like a home [Again, pictures would be good here]. And beginning to look a little better than the Bundy's :). Unfortunately, the great new finds this weekend have only inspired me to make more changes. For instance, I need another rug to go under the table that is durable (again, the child and dog), but matches the red shag (not too matchy, matchy). The bathroom faucet is brass and kind of rusty. The two chairs are these weird blue-green, office-type, rotating things that will do, but could be better and now don't match my rug or the couch. There is this awful framed copied picture that someone has literally epoxied to the wall. I would love to replace that with a real canvas, or at least a decent looking print. I may have to pull half the wall down though. That's okay, because I could replace the wall with...Just kidding!
I am content with where I live, but I do like the changes we are making. Hopefully, when the day comes that we need to sell, we can at least get what we paid knowing we have put in the work to update it:). I am sure there will be repairs and other upgrades that need to be made. Again, our hope is that we can do it all on a small (think non-existent) budget and with just a little hard work. And, hey, all of this will be great experience for that day when we move into the 1800's Victorian fixer-upper, huh? If I can renovate a travel trailer, I can do anything:).
Some good: for instance, instead of two couches, ours has two chairs that are removable and a couch that makes a bed. It sleeps 4 comfortably (1 Q, 1F bed), but you could easily get two more kids in on the couch. We have a "garden tub," which just means it has an actual tub (not just a shower) with a built in seat and a four burner stove, which they don't make anymore.
Some not so good: When we bought the trailer last year, all the cabinet knobs and fixtures were brass (think 80's). She had pink dirty carpet and a funny blue print (again, think late 80's country blue and mauve) couch with a different, but coordinating fabric on the chairs. Some things had to be changed!
Some folks may ask, why would you want to put so much into a travel trailer, and I could understand the point, but this is our home. It's where we live and its the first "home" I have ever owned (small steps). It is my passion and my heritage (ref: my mother). So, my beloved husband promised I could do what ever I wanted to make it look the way I wanted. Umm, probably regretting that decision now.
One of the first things we did was replace all the cabinet knobs (18 in all), going from brass to "venetian bronze." Not a big deal. I went for the most modern look I could, but stayed simple. All in all, I believe I spent about 30 dollars. My husband was okay with that.
The next project was much bigger and cost a little more. Since we have a son who has been known to have allergies to carpet and dander, I decided what was in there would not be staying for long. Robert suggested I wait a little while until we get settled, but when he pulled up a corner b/c he thought the water heater was leaking our first weekend in it, I used it as inspiration. Up went the rest of the carpet, carpet tack strips, etc. I replaced it with wood plank linoleum in "hickory." Since I was alone that first week (Robert was still working in Lufkin and kept Alex), I got to do it myself. I didn't exactly tell him what I had done, either, until it was done. Thank goodness he liked to results!
At first I thought it would be a large project, but overall, not that difficult. When the Home Depot salesman asked what room I had that was only 60 sq ft and needed new floors, I guess it was then that I realized, this was not that big a deal. It literally took me less than 24 hours of work and about $120 to do the whole trailer (and we have leftover materials). The results were worth it (I must get you pictures, I know). Hopefully, that is the most we spend on any one item, after all one day we will likely sale this thing:).
My next project was the 80's blue couch since that is basically the second thing you see as you walk in the door. First I recovered the end caps/arms and foot board/front in a leather-look vinyl ($3/yd). Once again, with a small child and a dog...My husband insisted on some soft, expensive looking fabric for the cushions, but we live in a trailer for a reason. There isn't much of a budget for incidentals. But, I finally found the solution: This weekend, on clearance at Wal-Mart, I found a futon cover in a tan microfiber suede for 30 bucks! Jackpot! Its relatively easy to clean, looks and feels great, and fits perfectly over the couch cushions. Honestly, it totally looks great.
I must have been especially blessed, because I also found my dream rug: a shag runner (21"x72") to go down the "hall" in a dark red for $21. Since our "hall" is only 23," that is a heck of a find and at less than 25 dollars it's a steal!
I also have found a bronze finished toothbrush holder to replace the old rusted brass soap holder in the bathroom. Got it as King Dollar for 1.09 and its Delta!!
Finally our trailer is beginning to feel like a home [Again, pictures would be good here]. And beginning to look a little better than the Bundy's :). Unfortunately, the great new finds this weekend have only inspired me to make more changes. For instance, I need another rug to go under the table that is durable (again, the child and dog), but matches the red shag (not too matchy, matchy). The bathroom faucet is brass and kind of rusty. The two chairs are these weird blue-green, office-type, rotating things that will do, but could be better and now don't match my rug or the couch. There is this awful framed copied picture that someone has literally epoxied to the wall. I would love to replace that with a real canvas, or at least a decent looking print. I may have to pull half the wall down though. That's okay, because I could replace the wall with...Just kidding!
I am content with where I live, but I do like the changes we are making. Hopefully, when the day comes that we need to sell, we can at least get what we paid knowing we have put in the work to update it:). I am sure there will be repairs and other upgrades that need to be made. Again, our hope is that we can do it all on a small (think non-existent) budget and with just a little hard work. And, hey, all of this will be great experience for that day when we move into the 1800's Victorian fixer-upper, huh? If I can renovate a travel trailer, I can do anything:).
Friday, February 13, 2009
My Lucky Day
Okay, today is Friday the 13th, officially a bad luck day. But for me and my hubby? Its been a day of positive (even monumental) things. We got engaged on Friday the 13th (Dec. 02). We didn't plan it that way, it just turned out to be the last Friday of the semester that I could come home and be with Robert at our Alma Matter (well, mine at least since he had to move/transfer when we got married).
We found out I was pregnant with Alex on Friday the 13th (Oct. 2006). Again, you don't plan these things and I wasn't even really paying attention to the date until after we found out. Mostly, because I had been sick for most of the week and hadn't been able to eat anything. So, on Thursday, when I was talking to my mom and she pushed me to get the little test, I really did not want to go through that. But, if I was gonna do it, I wanted the most accurate results that come with the first thing in the morning. So, Friday was the day we found out.
So, today, the day before Valentine's day, I can't help but have a little expectation. Unfortunately, the week's events really haven't helped me maintain that hope! Today, I woke up at 7:45 am and was really running behind getting everyone where they were supposed to be, including me:), by 8 o'clock. By this point though, I was getting used to these things:)
Wednesday, should have been an indicator that maybe I should just hang my hat up and forget that anything good will ever come again. First of all, that evening at 5:34, I picked my son up four minutes late from daycare (cost me $16). Then, I walked in our trailer to find water all over the bathroom and hall. The rugs were soaked, and everything in the storage cabinet at the end of the hall was soaked (blankets, towels, washrags, etc). Oh, and our water was off. Did I lose my cool? No. I just scooped up Alex and went to Dairy Queen. Steak fingers, nachos, ice cream and soda (what better way to brighten a day). The "bad luck" didn't stop there, though, because as we were eating, Robert, my hubby, called to tell me he had just been rear-ended... in Kansas City, driving a borrowed car. Oh, Come On! I thought. But still, I did not lose it! I continued to play with my son and enjoy the fun that only a small child can bring.
When I got home, I took Alex over to a neighbors (Thank you Mr. Skip & Ms. Janet!!!), started a load of laundry (washrags, towels, blankets, etc) and dried the floors. Honestly, I did not feel like crying, or screaming or any of that. If anything, I just wanted to laugh. Talk about the comedy of errors. Even with all of it seeming to go bad, I could not help but feel...blessed. I couldn't help it. Just like I can't help but feel hopeful that our "lucky" day is here.
More and more, I am reminded that I did not create this world and it is not mine to run. Mr. Max Lucado says, somedays God gives you Oreos and somedays He gives you broccolli. I get it. If I had my choice, I would be like Bruce Almighty and say yes to everyone's prayer requests. Furthermore, I can't take things personally. The fact is, I do not know what tomorrow will bring. But our father, God, can see eternally into my future and the future of the world and know what I need to be do now that will serve someone else 1,000 years from now (figuratively, at least). How amazing is that? Today, when the rest of the world is looking over their shoulders, crossing their fingers and trying not to step on any cracks, I am smiling and looking forward to whatever good God will bring my way! If I can do that for the rest of the day and still submit to the spirit of joy and hope Christ has put inside me, then Hallelujah! This is my lucky day!
We found out I was pregnant with Alex on Friday the 13th (Oct. 2006). Again, you don't plan these things and I wasn't even really paying attention to the date until after we found out. Mostly, because I had been sick for most of the week and hadn't been able to eat anything. So, on Thursday, when I was talking to my mom and she pushed me to get the little test, I really did not want to go through that. But, if I was gonna do it, I wanted the most accurate results that come with the first thing in the morning. So, Friday was the day we found out.
So, today, the day before Valentine's day, I can't help but have a little expectation. Unfortunately, the week's events really haven't helped me maintain that hope! Today, I woke up at 7:45 am and was really running behind getting everyone where they were supposed to be, including me:), by 8 o'clock. By this point though, I was getting used to these things:)
Wednesday, should have been an indicator that maybe I should just hang my hat up and forget that anything good will ever come again. First of all, that evening at 5:34, I picked my son up four minutes late from daycare (cost me $16). Then, I walked in our trailer to find water all over the bathroom and hall. The rugs were soaked, and everything in the storage cabinet at the end of the hall was soaked (blankets, towels, washrags, etc). Oh, and our water was off. Did I lose my cool? No. I just scooped up Alex and went to Dairy Queen. Steak fingers, nachos, ice cream and soda (what better way to brighten a day). The "bad luck" didn't stop there, though, because as we were eating, Robert, my hubby, called to tell me he had just been rear-ended... in Kansas City, driving a borrowed car. Oh, Come On! I thought. But still, I did not lose it! I continued to play with my son and enjoy the fun that only a small child can bring.
When I got home, I took Alex over to a neighbors (Thank you Mr. Skip & Ms. Janet!!!), started a load of laundry (washrags, towels, blankets, etc) and dried the floors. Honestly, I did not feel like crying, or screaming or any of that. If anything, I just wanted to laugh. Talk about the comedy of errors. Even with all of it seeming to go bad, I could not help but feel...blessed. I couldn't help it. Just like I can't help but feel hopeful that our "lucky" day is here.
More and more, I am reminded that I did not create this world and it is not mine to run. Mr. Max Lucado says, somedays God gives you Oreos and somedays He gives you broccolli. I get it. If I had my choice, I would be like Bruce Almighty and say yes to everyone's prayer requests. Furthermore, I can't take things personally. The fact is, I do not know what tomorrow will bring. But our father, God, can see eternally into my future and the future of the world and know what I need to be do now that will serve someone else 1,000 years from now (figuratively, at least). How amazing is that? Today, when the rest of the world is looking over their shoulders, crossing their fingers and trying not to step on any cracks, I am smiling and looking forward to whatever good God will bring my way! If I can do that for the rest of the day and still submit to the spirit of joy and hope Christ has put inside me, then Hallelujah! This is my lucky day!
Friday, February 6, 2009
12 steps...
Okay, I have saved up for this, so it better be good!
I need to know, because apparently I am falling behind the curve. I read all the time about these mommies stay at home with their five kids, helps or leads some program at church, are involved in some kind of committee or Board, volunteers, are GREAT housekeepers, writes books, leads national conferences...
How in the world do these ladies have the time and energy?! I am sure, too, that if you ask them, they have a great marriage to a wonderful husband who works full time to support his family (and then some), coaches little league, teaches Sunday school and is a wonderful father, too. Am I missing something? Is my husband not what he's supposed to be? Am I suffering some kind of strange disease that zaps my energy? Is this just a phase and one day I too will be one of "those moms?"
I am reading this book called, "12 steps to becoming a more organized woman." Being the good Christian I am, I chose a book based on biblical principles. This particular one is based on the Proverbs 31. Now, I had really wise pastor/teacher/mentor who told me the mythical Proverbs Woman doesn't exist, but this lady would argue with that. In fact, she might even tell you that she is the personification of it.
The book itself is okay and provides some great tips on how to organize your budget, schedule, household, etc. BUT, I have a problem with this lady and her too perfect family dressed all in white with their perfect little world for more than one reason. First of all, I am so far from being this proverbial example of mother and wife-dom that I can't see straight. Second, who is she kidding? Am I really gonna believe that her children are little angels all the time? That she never has a moment when she is ready to throw them or her husband out a window (not really, but you know what I mean)? Come on! I am struggling with little things, like getting the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away at the same time; much less setting aside one whole day, just for me (as she suggest any woman who is organized should be able to do on a regular basis).
Second of all, this lady suggests (as I have heard many times) that a mom can't really be a good mom unless she is staying at home full time with her children. Now, I have done this for a short period of time and did enjoy it to some degree. But, it isn't the best solution for our family. To be honest, my husband does a better job and is more satisfied with staying home with our children (when that has to happen). Not to mention, our son loves being around other kids (in school/daycare). He loves having people to talk to and share with (he's 18 mo. so that's a big deal). I am a better mom when I am working. When I am home from work, I am more focused on my child and his needs and have a greater desire to spend quality time with him. We have a better relationship and so do I and my husband. For us, it is just better.
Thirdly, I have a major, MAJOR, issue with anyone trying to say their way is the right way for everyone. Jesus advocated flexibility (that's why He didn't like the Pharisees and Priests). He recognizes that, even if Ms. Proverbial Woman doesn't: God has created many different people with many different personalities. For instance, my husband is not a structure person, but I am a planner by heart. If we had a planned program every week, all the time (like she recommends), he would go out of his mind and I would constantly be stressing over it. So, we are learning (after five years, we still don't have it down pat) to compromise and have a little of both. That's why I got the book to begin with. This author sends so many messages saying, that lacking strong organization and structure in a home is a sign of unhealthiness and irresponsibility. I disagree.
Finally, my husband and I have chosen, as we have felt led, to become a family in transition. In the past year, we have moved four times (once across country). We sold most of our possessions to live in a travel trailer. We have one child in our "home" under the age of two (our daughter does not live with us, except for short visits). We have debts we accumulated while in college (another thing this Christian woman says is wrong). We have a vehicle we are making payments on (another no,no) . Either I or my husband have both been out of work for one reason or another for the past 9 months. I'm not blaming anybody or complaining about any of this (and will even take responsibility for and rejoice in some of it), but these are all circumstances that just do NOT fit in Ms. Organizational Master's plan. There is no way I could even begin to implement her ideal plan, just for a lack of space. Who cares about budget, time, etc?
Regardless, I'm not saying we are right or have a model relationship/household. As a matter of fact, we have done a lot of things wrong and probably will do many more. I had one day dreamed of being one of "those mommies," the national speaker who shares her testimony and teaches others how to do anything and everything and writes a book and bible study program; but anymore, I just want to be the best mommy I can be. I love (really do enjoy) my job and want to be the best Assoc. Psychologist I can. I may write a book one day or teach/lead on a national level. But, really, right now, I'm just Mommy, Honey, AK-47, or whoever I need to be to best serve the people I love and care about. That's good enough for me for right now.
The worst thing about this book is because Ms. Author Lady does all this from behind the Bible, it's hard to tell the difference. Thank goodness, I know how to and do read that book, too:)! I absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, can not stand for anyone to pass judgement or speak for the Lord in condemnation on any other. For one: doesn't Paul tell us that "we have NO condemnation in Christ?" Forgive me, but if He won't condemn me, why should anyone else. He took my sin and has the right to do it, but won't. This lady hasn't done that for me, or anyone, as far as I know. [If so, she should right a book about it (he,he). ] For two: what a great way to turn people away from God, but to say, "My way is the right way and if your not here, your wrong." Half the arguments in the New Testament were over this issue. Jews vs. Gentile, Circumcised vs. Uncircumcised, Paul vs. Apollo, etc. etc. Again, Paul settled it by saying, "none are righteous," and "it is Christ that waters..." "All things are by Him, through Him and for Him" (paraphrase maybe?). I believe the argument is as settled as it's going to be, so please don't pass judgement and don't tell me my way is wrong for everyone. It may not be your way and would throw you and your kids into a tailspin, but that's okay.
If I never, ever become the greatest woman, author, speaker, etc. in the world, then I hope to at least become the greatest mom in the world to my kids and the greatest wife to my husband. And no, for you haters, it does not mean I have settled for less than my best. I have just chosen to give my best to the people most important to me. And, that, for me, is the best way to serve the Lord. He seems to like it that way, too.
I need to know, because apparently I am falling behind the curve. I read all the time about these mommies stay at home with their five kids, helps or leads some program at church, are involved in some kind of committee or Board, volunteers, are GREAT housekeepers, writes books, leads national conferences...
How in the world do these ladies have the time and energy?! I am sure, too, that if you ask them, they have a great marriage to a wonderful husband who works full time to support his family (and then some), coaches little league, teaches Sunday school and is a wonderful father, too. Am I missing something? Is my husband not what he's supposed to be? Am I suffering some kind of strange disease that zaps my energy? Is this just a phase and one day I too will be one of "those moms?"
I am reading this book called, "12 steps to becoming a more organized woman." Being the good Christian I am, I chose a book based on biblical principles. This particular one is based on the Proverbs 31. Now, I had really wise pastor/teacher/mentor who told me the mythical Proverbs Woman doesn't exist, but this lady would argue with that. In fact, she might even tell you that she is the personification of it.
The book itself is okay and provides some great tips on how to organize your budget, schedule, household, etc. BUT, I have a problem with this lady and her too perfect family dressed all in white with their perfect little world for more than one reason. First of all, I am so far from being this proverbial example of mother and wife-dom that I can't see straight. Second, who is she kidding? Am I really gonna believe that her children are little angels all the time? That she never has a moment when she is ready to throw them or her husband out a window (not really, but you know what I mean)? Come on! I am struggling with little things, like getting the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away at the same time; much less setting aside one whole day, just for me (as she suggest any woman who is organized should be able to do on a regular basis).
Second of all, this lady suggests (as I have heard many times) that a mom can't really be a good mom unless she is staying at home full time with her children. Now, I have done this for a short period of time and did enjoy it to some degree. But, it isn't the best solution for our family. To be honest, my husband does a better job and is more satisfied with staying home with our children (when that has to happen). Not to mention, our son loves being around other kids (in school/daycare). He loves having people to talk to and share with (he's 18 mo. so that's a big deal). I am a better mom when I am working. When I am home from work, I am more focused on my child and his needs and have a greater desire to spend quality time with him. We have a better relationship and so do I and my husband. For us, it is just better.
Thirdly, I have a major, MAJOR, issue with anyone trying to say their way is the right way for everyone. Jesus advocated flexibility (that's why He didn't like the Pharisees and Priests). He recognizes that, even if Ms. Proverbial Woman doesn't: God has created many different people with many different personalities. For instance, my husband is not a structure person, but I am a planner by heart. If we had a planned program every week, all the time (like she recommends), he would go out of his mind and I would constantly be stressing over it. So, we are learning (after five years, we still don't have it down pat) to compromise and have a little of both. That's why I got the book to begin with. This author sends so many messages saying, that lacking strong organization and structure in a home is a sign of unhealthiness and irresponsibility. I disagree.
Finally, my husband and I have chosen, as we have felt led, to become a family in transition. In the past year, we have moved four times (once across country). We sold most of our possessions to live in a travel trailer. We have one child in our "home" under the age of two (our daughter does not live with us, except for short visits). We have debts we accumulated while in college (another thing this Christian woman says is wrong). We have a vehicle we are making payments on (another no,no) . Either I or my husband have both been out of work for one reason or another for the past 9 months. I'm not blaming anybody or complaining about any of this (and will even take responsibility for and rejoice in some of it), but these are all circumstances that just do NOT fit in Ms. Organizational Master's plan. There is no way I could even begin to implement her ideal plan, just for a lack of space. Who cares about budget, time, etc?
Regardless, I'm not saying we are right or have a model relationship/household. As a matter of fact, we have done a lot of things wrong and probably will do many more. I had one day dreamed of being one of "those mommies," the national speaker who shares her testimony and teaches others how to do anything and everything and writes a book and bible study program; but anymore, I just want to be the best mommy I can be. I love (really do enjoy) my job and want to be the best Assoc. Psychologist I can. I may write a book one day or teach/lead on a national level. But, really, right now, I'm just Mommy, Honey, AK-47, or whoever I need to be to best serve the people I love and care about. That's good enough for me for right now.
The worst thing about this book is because Ms. Author Lady does all this from behind the Bible, it's hard to tell the difference. Thank goodness, I know how to and do read that book, too:)! I absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, can not stand for anyone to pass judgement or speak for the Lord in condemnation on any other. For one: doesn't Paul tell us that "we have NO condemnation in Christ?" Forgive me, but if He won't condemn me, why should anyone else. He took my sin and has the right to do it, but won't. This lady hasn't done that for me, or anyone, as far as I know. [If so, she should right a book about it (he,he). ] For two: what a great way to turn people away from God, but to say, "My way is the right way and if your not here, your wrong." Half the arguments in the New Testament were over this issue. Jews vs. Gentile, Circumcised vs. Uncircumcised, Paul vs. Apollo, etc. etc. Again, Paul settled it by saying, "none are righteous," and "it is Christ that waters..." "All things are by Him, through Him and for Him" (paraphrase maybe?). I believe the argument is as settled as it's going to be, so please don't pass judgement and don't tell me my way is wrong for everyone. It may not be your way and would throw you and your kids into a tailspin, but that's okay.
If I never, ever become the greatest woman, author, speaker, etc. in the world, then I hope to at least become the greatest mom in the world to my kids and the greatest wife to my husband. And no, for you haters, it does not mean I have settled for less than my best. I have just chosen to give my best to the people most important to me. And, that, for me, is the best way to serve the Lord. He seems to like it that way, too.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Finally Friday...Almost!
This, my friends (to quote John McCain), has been one of those weeks. You know the kind where you wish you had just stayed in bed and played hookie all week. Here's how this week went:
Monday a.m., I get to work and immediately am presented with the fact that five of the individuals I work with has been injured over the weekend as a result of some challenging behaviors and am asked, "What are you gonna do about it?" Of course, I said, "I will have it all fixed and behaviors to a minimal by lunch." Actually, I really did say that, but we all knew I was kidding, because when you consider the adaptive abilities and processing capabilities of these individuals, change is not a rapid or instant process. In fact, we tend to celebrate small victories. So, no one really expected an immediate response, but its still pressure. Then, Robert and I got the call about Baylor. No, he was not selected, but he was such a good candidate that "we would like to help him find a position," or so said the man at Baylor. Did not help lessen my disappointment or Robert's either. So then, of course, you know the story of Mr. Grump-o-lumpogus.
Tuesday, was not really much better although I can't pick any one thing that made it a difficult day. In fact, Mr. Grump-o-lumpogus had vanished by the time I got home and been replaced by some optimistic dude calling himself my husband.
Yesterday was just a long, long day. I got in early, which helped, but mainly because I made a bonehead mistake, thinking I had reports due by 5. So I worked til 5:30 getting everything completed and in presentation form. Well, come to find out, they are not actually due until next month (two weeks from now), so I just wasted time. I could have been working on the stuff actually due today. Then, after I got home, I just had to have a melt-down all over my poor husband who really didn't deserve it and had to answer to my 19-mo-old son asking "Momma, what's matter?" and "Why" when I so eloquently told him I just let go of my temper for no apparent reason. "I don't know, I was wrong and I'm sorry"-what else can you say? Last night was okay cause we watched Fireproof (great movie) twice, but it was cold as a well digger's bottom. As a matter of fact, when I left this morning at 8 or so, it was still only 32 degrees. That's cold. It was so cold last night that our neighbor's battery sitting at the front of their trailer exploded and spewed acid everywhere. I was afraid it was a gunshot (the park is out in the sticks) and tried to keep Robert from going outside to investigate. Once outside, he was afraid the spewing acid would cause their propane tanks to explode and since our trailer sits next to theirs...
All this at 12:30 am. Who says there's no drama in our marriage?
Today, as I mentioned earlier, began without an alarm clock. No, as one might think with living in an RV park, our power did not go out and we did not blow a fuse (sometimes happens). I just forgot to turn the darn alarm back on before going to bed. I did not wake up til 8, so of course I was rushing just to get to work by 8:30 or so. And since I mismanaged my time yesterday, I was stressed this morning about having things ready for a 10:30 meeting. Of course, those meetings always lead to another round of reports, emails and projects, so...
Tomorrow is Friday! Wahoo! What does that mean? Well, really not much. I don't know that it means a lot at all.
Life on the Hill is pretty much the same from day to day, but maybe, just maybe, tomorrow, the view will be better!
Monday a.m., I get to work and immediately am presented with the fact that five of the individuals I work with has been injured over the weekend as a result of some challenging behaviors and am asked, "What are you gonna do about it?" Of course, I said, "I will have it all fixed and behaviors to a minimal by lunch." Actually, I really did say that, but we all knew I was kidding, because when you consider the adaptive abilities and processing capabilities of these individuals, change is not a rapid or instant process. In fact, we tend to celebrate small victories. So, no one really expected an immediate response, but its still pressure. Then, Robert and I got the call about Baylor. No, he was not selected, but he was such a good candidate that "we would like to help him find a position," or so said the man at Baylor. Did not help lessen my disappointment or Robert's either. So then, of course, you know the story of Mr. Grump-o-lumpogus.
Tuesday, was not really much better although I can't pick any one thing that made it a difficult day. In fact, Mr. Grump-o-lumpogus had vanished by the time I got home and been replaced by some optimistic dude calling himself my husband.
Yesterday was just a long, long day. I got in early, which helped, but mainly because I made a bonehead mistake, thinking I had reports due by 5. So I worked til 5:30 getting everything completed and in presentation form. Well, come to find out, they are not actually due until next month (two weeks from now), so I just wasted time. I could have been working on the stuff actually due today. Then, after I got home, I just had to have a melt-down all over my poor husband who really didn't deserve it and had to answer to my 19-mo-old son asking "Momma, what's matter?" and "Why" when I so eloquently told him I just let go of my temper for no apparent reason. "I don't know, I was wrong and I'm sorry"-what else can you say? Last night was okay cause we watched Fireproof (great movie) twice, but it was cold as a well digger's bottom. As a matter of fact, when I left this morning at 8 or so, it was still only 32 degrees. That's cold. It was so cold last night that our neighbor's battery sitting at the front of their trailer exploded and spewed acid everywhere. I was afraid it was a gunshot (the park is out in the sticks) and tried to keep Robert from going outside to investigate. Once outside, he was afraid the spewing acid would cause their propane tanks to explode and since our trailer sits next to theirs...
All this at 12:30 am. Who says there's no drama in our marriage?
Today, as I mentioned earlier, began without an alarm clock. No, as one might think with living in an RV park, our power did not go out and we did not blow a fuse (sometimes happens). I just forgot to turn the darn alarm back on before going to bed. I did not wake up til 8, so of course I was rushing just to get to work by 8:30 or so. And since I mismanaged my time yesterday, I was stressed this morning about having things ready for a 10:30 meeting. Of course, those meetings always lead to another round of reports, emails and projects, so...
Tomorrow is Friday! Wahoo! What does that mean? Well, really not much. I don't know that it means a lot at all.
Life on the Hill is pretty much the same from day to day, but maybe, just maybe, tomorrow, the view will be better!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Living with Passion (Not just going through the motions)
Okay, ten years ago before I decided to follow Christ, (i.e. become a Christian, get saved, whatever...), I absolutely lived my life by going through the motions. You know, doing what you're "supposed" to do: get up, go to class, go to work, go out with friends (to clubs, etc), come home, go to bed, start over tomorrow. Often, my routine was dictated by what was popular or something I read in a magazine, saw on tv, blah-blah. I never really got excited about anything. I never really put myself out there. The jobs I had were one's that I kind of fell into or just took the first thing I found. Don't get me wrong, I had a few standards and a few rules to keep me safe and generally upstanding. But, I didn't have any real passion for anything or a drive to be or do anything than what was expected.
I am naturally one of those people that can see both sides of the story. So, for me to get excited about something has to be a big deal. I used that as a reason to keep from taking any real risk- To limit the plans I made for myself. I tried to avoid being/getting hurt, disappointed, etc. I wanted to avoid rocking the boat too much. But, the problem with that is by avoiding the "bad" stuff, I minimized the great things, too. I was basically numb to anything. I knew how to have fun and be fun, but I did not know how to enjoy life. Great love, great jobs, great opportunities do not come without the risk of a huge let down. We can go through life avoiding the things that will cause rifts, or we can face them, grow stronger, try again and live wonderfully, passionately and hopefully!!
I am naturally one of those people that can see both sides of the story. So, for me to get excited about something has to be a big deal. I used that as a reason to keep from taking any real risk- To limit the plans I made for myself. I tried to avoid being/getting hurt, disappointed, etc. I wanted to avoid rocking the boat too much. But, the problem with that is by avoiding the "bad" stuff, I minimized the great things, too. I was basically numb to anything. I knew how to have fun and be fun, but I did not know how to enjoy life. Great love, great jobs, great opportunities do not come without the risk of a huge let down. We can go through life avoiding the things that will cause rifts, or we can face them, grow stronger, try again and live wonderfully, passionately and hopefully!!
See, my life changed dramatically when I started hoping and wishing for bigger things. I started praying for big changes. I didn't even know if it would make a difference or if anybody was listening. I asked for little things at first: Getting a great office job in my field of study (at the time: accounting), getting free tickets to a concert to see my favorite singer (had never been to one before). Then, bigger things: Friends who didn't think going to a club was the best thing in the world. To know that I could have a good relationship without sex. Finally, I started asking for the ultimite life experience: TRUE LOVE.
First, I thought I found it in a man, but can you believe it? He let me down. In the midst of that letdown, though, I fell into the arms of Christ [God is Love]. I gave up trying to control everything around me and accepted the redemption He offered. He gave me the freedom to be free to be me; to not be what my past (or others) said I should be. To take a risk and change my major in the middle of my junior year (from accounting to counseling, lost 45 hours), to apply and get accepted to grad school, to lead and teach a youth group (be a leader and role model to others); to turn a man and a relationship down that I knew could be good (and found one that will hopefully last a lifetime).
To live a life of passion is to know that you can pass up for (or be passed up for) what you think could be okay, to chase after or be led to something way more than you could ever have known existed. It is the freedom to risk losing your pride and status for an opportunity you may not even get. It is the ability to hang onto hope when nothing seems to be going the way you thought it would (because what you thought may be less than what could be anyway). Contrary to popular opinion, some things are worth dying for; but even more things are worth living for!
Live what you believe. Be okay with rocking the boat and changing the status quo. Don't just live up to the expectations of others. Seriously, if I became the status quo person, I don't know that I would be alive today, and I certainly would not be happy or know true JOY!. Be more than you ever hoped you could! Be willing to dream and be Passionate!
P.S. If you wanna know about life lists, my friend (kimsmotormouth.blogspot.com) wrote about it yesterday, so read her blog and start there.
The Motions
Heard this on the radio this morning. Even though it may be an older song, I just heard it for the first time. I have some thoughts and comments, but I want to process first:).
The Motions
Matthew West
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break, At least I'll be feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"
The Motions
Matthew West
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break, At least I'll be feeling something'
Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"
No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life
'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Moving to Tahiti
Okay, so how do you live with a man disappointed? I have heard of a woman scorned, but really, a man disappointed is no picnic either. Grump-o-lumpogus! That's another word for it. Okay, I don't guess I understand the impact certain things have on a man (vs. a woman), even though I have lived with one for at least 5 1/2 years. For the record, though, I do recognize this is a bigger deal than most disappointments.
Here's the story. Robert, my husband, is a born teacher/lecturer. Seriously, at some point during most of our conversations I have to remind him: "Okay, I am not a student, this is not a lecture and conversation is a two way street." Needless to say, he loves to instruct! So, when we found out Baylor was looking for a lighting designer/professor, I insisted that he apply. Okay, Baylor is a big school and he did not think it was worth the time since he doesn't actually have experience teaching at the college level. Still, he's good. So, I encouraged him and he surrendered. In goes the resume, transcripts, references, etc. Nothing more is thought about it until we get a phone call: "Congratulations! Your on the short list." "What? Wait, I'm actually being considered? Why?"
Well, the conversation did not exactly go like that, but it did start like that and Robert did ask me that afterwards. So all that culminated in a two-day interview two weeks ago at Baylor. And this was NOT an ordinary interview. No, he met with a Search Committee, taught a class, had dinner with the Department Chair, lunch with students, and went before the Provost and a few other "big wigs." It was tough, but he did well. Not that I'm bragging or biased, but you know when someone does well and they know it. He really did well! All that to find out yesterday, they chose "the other guy."
To be fair, the other guy was really the Interim person already in the position and we believe the whole search thing was a formality anyway, but darn it! We cared and We wanted this job!
Now, we are people of faith and believe the Lord has good things in store for us and gives us the desires of our hearts, but sometimes its hard to have faith when you think this is the job of our dreams and its being pulled out from under us at the last minute! Darn it!
So, I understand the disappointment. I do. I'm even disappointed myself (which is what makes the whole thing harder). But, I'm a little different. I tend to handle these things by looking for other opportunities and thinking what a terrible experience, but surely there is better...Right? My husband tends to dwell and rehash. He wants to figure out what he did that wasn't good enough. That is hard to live with. Mostly, because I know he did really well and did the best he could. He made it a hard decision for them and that is saying something. When it comes down to it, the difference between Robert and the "Other guy" was basically "theKnown" vs. "the Unknown." What can you do about that?
So, today when I was trying to sneak out the door without waking up the baby (oh, and I couldn't find my toothbrush, the dog didn't want to walk out-just be carried, and...) the baby still woke up. Mr. Grump-o-lumpogus decides he wants to stay in bed rather than walk me out. [Explanation needed: Alex is 1 1/2 y.o. and still suffering a little of the separation anxiety that comes with having mommy out of his life and gone over 8 hours a day for the first time ever. If he can get up and wave goodbye, he'll be fine; if not...].
So, I love my husband and think he is one of the greatest men on the planet (that's why I married him), but today I would rather be in Tahiti on a beach relaxing with my little umbrella drink:) and palm trees swaying overhead!
Here's the story. Robert, my husband, is a born teacher/lecturer. Seriously, at some point during most of our conversations I have to remind him: "Okay, I am not a student, this is not a lecture and conversation is a two way street." Needless to say, he loves to instruct! So, when we found out Baylor was looking for a lighting designer/professor, I insisted that he apply. Okay, Baylor is a big school and he did not think it was worth the time since he doesn't actually have experience teaching at the college level. Still, he's good. So, I encouraged him and he surrendered. In goes the resume, transcripts, references, etc. Nothing more is thought about it until we get a phone call: "Congratulations! Your on the short list." "What? Wait, I'm actually being considered? Why?"
Well, the conversation did not exactly go like that, but it did start like that and Robert did ask me that afterwards. So all that culminated in a two-day interview two weeks ago at Baylor. And this was NOT an ordinary interview. No, he met with a Search Committee, taught a class, had dinner with the Department Chair, lunch with students, and went before the Provost and a few other "big wigs." It was tough, but he did well. Not that I'm bragging or biased, but you know when someone does well and they know it. He really did well! All that to find out yesterday, they chose "the other guy."
To be fair, the other guy was really the Interim person already in the position and we believe the whole search thing was a formality anyway, but darn it! We cared and We wanted this job!
Now, we are people of faith and believe the Lord has good things in store for us and gives us the desires of our hearts, but sometimes its hard to have faith when you think this is the job of our dreams and its being pulled out from under us at the last minute! Darn it!
So, I understand the disappointment. I do. I'm even disappointed myself (which is what makes the whole thing harder). But, I'm a little different. I tend to handle these things by looking for other opportunities and thinking what a terrible experience, but surely there is better...Right? My husband tends to dwell and rehash. He wants to figure out what he did that wasn't good enough. That is hard to live with. Mostly, because I know he did really well and did the best he could. He made it a hard decision for them and that is saying something. When it comes down to it, the difference between Robert and the "Other guy" was basically "theKnown" vs. "the Unknown." What can you do about that?
So, today when I was trying to sneak out the door without waking up the baby (oh, and I couldn't find my toothbrush, the dog didn't want to walk out-just be carried, and...) the baby still woke up. Mr. Grump-o-lumpogus decides he wants to stay in bed rather than walk me out. [Explanation needed: Alex is 1 1/2 y.o. and still suffering a little of the separation anxiety that comes with having mommy out of his life and gone over 8 hours a day for the first time ever. If he can get up and wave goodbye, he'll be fine; if not...].
So, I love my husband and think he is one of the greatest men on the planet (that's why I married him), but today I would rather be in Tahiti on a beach relaxing with my little umbrella drink:) and palm trees swaying overhead!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Camper Snobs:)!
This is a new day Ladies and Gentlemen! At least for me with this blog business. First time bloggers must all start out the same, huh?
Actually, this is not the only thing that is new for us. Within the last year, we have moved three-No, 4 times, and have settled (at least temporarily) in this small town in Texas living in a travel trailer, of all things. I know everyone in my family thinks we are crazy, but we love it. We even tease about getting "Trailer Trash" painted on the back of our camper. There's nothing like the closeness that comes from living in an 8x30 box with the man you say you love and a toddler to boot!
Needless to say, this is an experience. For one, I now know what a TrailerPark Snob is. For those of you who never even thought about it, let me fill you in: Last night we were standing outside with some of our "neighbors" when a VW van came through looking for a spot for an overnight stay full of family and food. Well, our camper is up "on the hill" at the back of the park and "the hill" is filled with permanent campers who generally work in the area but live else where (construction, college profs, etc.). Oh, and one tent camper (long story, fill you in later). Anyway, as I was saying, this van pulls through looking for a nice spot to stay for a night (maybe even the weekend).
It was worse than E! at the Oscars! Oh you know, what type of van, how many people were getting in an' out (who knew a VW van could hold so much). But, really, we're nice Southern folks. After all, we really didn't critize anybody. We just counted our blessings. You know, "Oh, thank heavens we live up here on the hill, not down in front where the overnighters come through..." "Well, I'm thankful we only have three of us; I couldn't imagine with that many..." "Who knew a VW van could hold so much..."
See what I mean...Trailer Park Snobs!
Anyway, I want to use this blog to share some of our insights and experiences as we live this life. Few others would have sold everything they have (with a toddler and 25lb. Cocker Spaniel in tow) to live in a 30 ft. camper. But, this is the life we are choosing. The one we fill blessed to have.
Robert and I have been married for five and a half years and have two kids. Ariel lives in Florida with her mom (I'm not the real thing), and Alex was born 19 months ago today:). He graduated from grad school in May and we went on the move. Seriously. I left a great job in Kansas City, MO (where he was in school) and we came home to Texas. We stayed with family for about 6 weeks (as long as they could take us), then moved to Lufkin where Robert worked with the Boy Scouts of America. I know, who knew they paid people...I didn't. Anyway, when I got a job with the state school in Brenham four months later, we took it cause the pay was better and it was in my field of study(psychology). I love what I do, but since Robert left his position, we may be on the move again sometime in the near future when he gets another.
When we moved from Lufkin, we had to back out of a six month lease and lost a $300 pet deposit. Needless to say, we paid out the nose. So, instead of paying another huge pet deposit and getting into a lease we didn't know if we would stay for; we bought a travel trailer, sold everything we had (all our furniture at least) and hit the road:). This sounded smarter. I'm not always so sure, but most of the time I think its the best thing we could have ever done.
I will try to keep this up because I love to write. But really, I am terrible at keeping up with things like this. So, no promises.
Actually, this is not the only thing that is new for us. Within the last year, we have moved three-No, 4 times, and have settled (at least temporarily) in this small town in Texas living in a travel trailer, of all things. I know everyone in my family thinks we are crazy, but we love it. We even tease about getting "Trailer Trash" painted on the back of our camper. There's nothing like the closeness that comes from living in an 8x30 box with the man you say you love and a toddler to boot!
Needless to say, this is an experience. For one, I now know what a TrailerPark Snob is. For those of you who never even thought about it, let me fill you in: Last night we were standing outside with some of our "neighbors" when a VW van came through looking for a spot for an overnight stay full of family and food. Well, our camper is up "on the hill" at the back of the park and "the hill" is filled with permanent campers who generally work in the area but live else where (construction, college profs, etc.). Oh, and one tent camper (long story, fill you in later). Anyway, as I was saying, this van pulls through looking for a nice spot to stay for a night (maybe even the weekend).
It was worse than E! at the Oscars! Oh you know, what type of van, how many people were getting in an' out (who knew a VW van could hold so much). But, really, we're nice Southern folks. After all, we really didn't critize anybody. We just counted our blessings. You know, "Oh, thank heavens we live up here on the hill, not down in front where the overnighters come through..." "Well, I'm thankful we only have three of us; I couldn't imagine with that many..." "Who knew a VW van could hold so much..."
See what I mean...Trailer Park Snobs!
Anyway, I want to use this blog to share some of our insights and experiences as we live this life. Few others would have sold everything they have (with a toddler and 25lb. Cocker Spaniel in tow) to live in a 30 ft. camper. But, this is the life we are choosing. The one we fill blessed to have.
Robert and I have been married for five and a half years and have two kids. Ariel lives in Florida with her mom (I'm not the real thing), and Alex was born 19 months ago today:). He graduated from grad school in May and we went on the move. Seriously. I left a great job in Kansas City, MO (where he was in school) and we came home to Texas. We stayed with family for about 6 weeks (as long as they could take us), then moved to Lufkin where Robert worked with the Boy Scouts of America. I know, who knew they paid people...I didn't. Anyway, when I got a job with the state school in Brenham four months later, we took it cause the pay was better and it was in my field of study(psychology). I love what I do, but since Robert left his position, we may be on the move again sometime in the near future when he gets another.
When we moved from Lufkin, we had to back out of a six month lease and lost a $300 pet deposit. Needless to say, we paid out the nose. So, instead of paying another huge pet deposit and getting into a lease we didn't know if we would stay for; we bought a travel trailer, sold everything we had (all our furniture at least) and hit the road:). This sounded smarter. I'm not always so sure, but most of the time I think its the best thing we could have ever done.
I will try to keep this up because I love to write. But really, I am terrible at keeping up with things like this. So, no promises.
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